The Right Time to Say Something

Over the past decade or two, perhaps longer, you’ve almost certainly heard, or come to the conclusion, that debating is worthless, that trying to convince someone that their views are misguided, or foolish, or harmful, is impossible. So why try. Why bother. Why put in the effort. Except that in the absence of trying, in the choice not to bother, or put in the effort, we empower incivility and ignorance. We allow it to continue, unabated and unchallenged. And we end up in a world, this world, where no one really ever talks, or speaks up, about anything more pressing than food, families, and vacations. And don’t get me wrong, we need some levity in what we discuss, something to laugh and smile about from time to time, but we also need to have the tools and the courage to talk about issues that help to solve problems and bring about positive change. We need to know how and when to face each other, to risk having those uncomfortable conversations.

About twenty years ago, before Facebook, before Twitter, before the comment sections of every newspaper website got flooded with echo chambers and partisan isolation, I was a moderator for several online forums (back when people could still be anonymous in their opinions). At that time, I facilitated and encouraged debate among members, jumping in myself when two sides had exhausted their points of view on a matter. And even then, twenty years ago, when the topics we debated in those forums were more about faith and Scripture, people would ask me the same kinds of things. Why try. Why bother. Why put in the effort. No one is going to change their beliefs. And my answer then is the same as it is now.

People DO change their beliefs. All the time. But it’s not who you think. The people who change are rarely the ones talking, but rather, the bystanders, the ones listening or reading, the ones at the hypothetical feet of Aristotle, people who watch others talk, and always take away a thought or two, something they hadn’t considered up to that point. The people who change their beliefs are the ones paying attention, but rarely speaking out. And there are always more people watching a debate than there are those participating.

Which leads me to a challenge for everyone reading this. Inevitably, you have seen and will continue to see a friend here and a friend there who posts garbage. Not just a mistake, but something vile, hateful, and maybe even dangerous. Something that lacks reason or common sense. Do you simply “unfriend” them for being awful? Absolutely not. I posted something recently to that effect, suggesting that “ending” a relationship was super easy. But I was half joking, not all that super serious. So let me be serious now.

Below are a few of the methods I’ve found to be successful, methods for evaluating whether you should gather up the courage to invest your time in debating someone on a matter that deserves correction, from someone.CHECK THEIR AUDIENCE. Does your friend get lots of encouragement for sharing this nonsense? Lots of likes, and comments, and reshares? No? Then leave it alone. To try and debate someone who lacks an audience is precisely what most of us mean when we say, “you can’t change someone’s opinion.” Aside from those rare friends who actually enjoy a good challenge, that’s probably not going to go anywhere. You may as well be talking to a proverbial wall. However, if your “friend” actually DOES get lots of encouragement for sharing nonsense, and you absolutely know that it’s nonsense, this is about the ONLY time taking them to task over their nonsense will have the chance of any residual change. Because when you challenge them, you’re jumping into a fire pit, against all of their adoring supporters, believing, or maybe just hoping that someone, somewhere in their friend list is reading. Someone who never quite speaks up in this kind of venue, but has never had any reason to second guess the kind of nonsense they were being fed. It’s worth the debate, in that kind of arena, because someone, somewhere may actually move a few steps in the right direction, even in their silence.

SIDE NOTE: Over the last decade, I’ve lost count of the people who have come up to me in person, to discuss something I wrote on social media, two, three, four weeks earlier, people who weren’t all that comfortable acknowledging their shifting thoughts in public. In such cases, the needle was shifting, even when I couldn’t see it right away.

CHECK THEIR FREQUENCY AND ORIGINALITY. Social media is rife with chronic, unoriginal posters who can rattle off six, seven, or a few dozen posts a day that are simply reposts from something they saw in another echo chamber. Chances are, as they post such an enormous pile of BS on their social media wall, it dribbles into your feed from time to time and it annoys you. Simple answer. Leave it alone and “unfollow” them. What this means is that you will no longer be enraged, over and over and over, by words you can’t fight. And to be clear, this is not the same as blocking. Unless this person has caused you harm, or hurt, or personal anguish, there’s no immediate reason to “block” them. In fact, “blocking” someone who disagrees with you borders on the same level of incivility you’re trying to avoid. Let them come to you, let them see something YOU post and if they’re willing to enter the arena in YOUR space, once again, you have an audience. And there’s a greater hope that someone will change.

CHECK THE DATE. Sometimes the algorithms of social media will put a friend’s post in front of you that was written a week ago. Or even a month ago. Because the feed is hardwired to try and get your attention. But if something enraging, something utterly idiotic was posted ten days ago, then no one is honestly paying attention anymore, aside from you, and your understandable annoyance. At that moment, you have no valid debate audience. So brush it off your shoulder and let it go.

AVOID THE VIRAL. The only time a debate on social media works, the only time its means can ever be justified, for the greater good, is when it’s with someone you know. And that may sound terrifying to you. Because it is, even if you do it often. But dropping into a viral topic, with 1,000 comments from 500 people you’ve never met, where you literally know precisely zero contributors will prove nothing to no one. It’s a rage fest. So avoid it.

Since I joined Facebook in 2007, I have only ever “blocked” four people, and those were for reasons well beyond the chambers of Facebook. On the other hand, I have been “blocked” by dozens more, and usually for one reason. Because I disagreed with them in public. Because I challenged something they posted, something they were using to incite, rather than to heal, something that was blatantly false and never even bordering on truth. And for those who have blocked me for doing so, then oh well. That’s on them. But along the way, I’ve also picked up a few friends, a few people here and there who didn’t know me before, but reached out. Because of an exchange they saw elsewhere.

Doesn’t happen all the time, but it does happen.

The fear of debating a friend, any friend, is understandable, especially when you feel it’s impossible to make a point. So don’t. Not if they’re alone, posting incessantly to no one in particular who ever agrees or supports their garbage. But if you see them drawing a crowd, dig up your courage, roll up your sleeves, and know that someone, somewhere will see what you had to say, even if they themselves aren’t courageous enough to acknowledge that yes, you had a good point.